


Oh, I’ve Loved You (from the start)

by tukimecca



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Drabble Collection, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jaehyun is smitten, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-09-30 19:05:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10169762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: In every single way and more each passing day. You are brighter than the stars, believe me when I say; "It's not about your scars, it's all about your heart".-“God, I love him,” Jaehyun cries, eventually, shoulder shaking as he feels his heart breaking. Because today, too, he couldn’t find his answer. Because today, too, he is left again in the dark.





	1. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun is born and raised in a family that is not conservative but still holding on to the traditional value society has forged over hundreds of decade. He was taught only girls can be pretty, can be beautiful, can be cute. And boys will be boys; handsome, charming, dashing.

_Your existence alone is not enough to show me_  
_Your sweet passion, your shy breaths_  
_The small movements toward each other_  
_You’re beautiful_  
  
Beautiful - SHINee

:::

Jaehyun is born and raised in a family that is not conservative but still holding on to the traditional value society has forged over hundreds of decade. He was taught only girls can be pretty, can be beautiful, can be cute. And boys will be boys; handsome, charming, dashing.

But Jaehyun doubted the teaching quiet early; he learned boys can be be cute, too, when his relatives pinched his rice-cake of cheeks, cooing over how adorable little Jaehyun was. His aunts always gave him candies and sweet. His uncles got him toys and books. His grandma promised him freshly baked red bean paste bread. If he’s being good. If he asked them cutely.

So little Jaehyun learned boys can be cute. He didn’t really complain when people called him ‘cute’, accepted the compliment with dimpled-smile, which earned him another coo of adoration.

Jaehyun still didn’t think boys can be pretty and beautiful, though, because beauty is all about soft curves and dainty hands, bashful giggle and shy murmur of lashes on skin. Pretty, slow stretch of smile on petite face. Long, ebony hair that glows darkened red under golden light. Girls, only girls can be pretty, only girls can be beautiful.

When the belief is broken, Jaehyun is barely fifteen, introducing himself with shaky smile, words leaving his mouth in clumsy stumble. The other trainees welcome him with open arms and friendly pat on the back, already familiar with the melody of nervousness. Understanding, not judging.

Youngho is tall and friendly. Hansol is gangly and endearingly awkward. They are both handsome with their own charms, and there is Taeyong, and even with his long bangs hiding half of his face, Taeyong is already trampling over the wall of principle in Jaehyun’s head.

God, is Lee Taeyong _beautiful._

Lee Taeyong is all about diamond-cut jaw and high, chiseled cheeks. Lee Taeyong is all about thin lips and full brows. Lee Taeyong is all about long, infinite legs with no hips. Lee Taeyong is all about bones and sharp angles.

But Lee Taeyong is all about thin, frail looking limbs that burst with captivating grace and energy when he dance. Lee Taeyong is all about large, obsidian deer-eyes that’s so intense you cannot stare at them too long. Lee Taeyong is all about cold winterland that melts into spring when he smiles.

Lee Taeyong is beautiful, more so than girls who decorate the glossy cover of his mother’s magazine, more so than girls who giggle and smile demurely at his school and the training room.

Lee Taeyong is beautiful, in the way cherry blossom blooms; so soft, so transient, yet so strong and admirable. Lush pink and white, speaking of the arrival of spring so warm and vivacious after the bleak arctic of winter, only for two weeks before the fall and scatter.

Jaehyun wants to protect him, to keep him blooming blush forever. To preserve his beauty in a cage made of gold and gilded iron in a space that’s foreign to the concept of time.

Lee Taeyong is beautiful, when he speaks quietly like chirp of baby bird, when he laughs shyly like the way mimosa droops. When he calls Jaehyun’s name, bony fingers curling around the sleeves of Jaehyun’s hoodie, not quite touching his hand. And when he peers at Jaehyun from beneath those bangs that’s too long, with eyes a singing galaxy, Jaehyun cannot really breath.

He smiles anyways, because Lee Taeyong is beautiful, and he looks so hopeful, and Jaehyun has let go of that value his family instilled in him; of boys _cannot_ be beautiful. Because here in front of him, here breathing in the same air as him, is testament of that rebuttal.

Jaehyun skims over the tender skin of the hand on his sleeves before circling his fingers over the bony wrist, smiling, heart twittering over the way smile rises like sun on that pretty, pretty, face.

“Yes, Taeyongie-hyung?”

Taeyong releases his sleeves then, laces their fingers together, and Jaehyun answers him with the fast clasp of his own. “Nnn. I’m just wondering if you are free after this.”

Jaehyun says yes, Jaehyun says he has time, Jaehyun says he will go wherever Taeyong wants to. Because it makes Taeyong happy and he is the most beautiful in his felicity.

He doesn’t say the last part, but he hopes one day he will be able to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for lovely beta Sophia @ twitter and all jaeyong shipper out there.


	2. I loved and I loved (and I lost you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30 years old Choreographer Taeyong and 17 years old trainee Jaehyun fall for each other

_ I don't want them to know the secrets _ __  
_ I don't want them to know the way I loved you _ __  
_ I don't think they'd understand it, no _ _  
_ __ I don't think they would accept me, no

Hurts like Hell - Fleurie

:::

Taeyong has seen so many trainees before. He’s been one of Korean renowned Choreographer for ten years already, started when he was barely twenty and now has bagged track record of working with famous names in the industry; national and international.

This isn’t the first time he works with SM either, given that he was once a trainee there as well before deciding his passion for orchestrating sequence of slick dance movements won over his will to stand on stage. He never regretted the decision he made that day, it has bring him nothing but joy for the past ten years. Meeting new people, new dancers, creating yet another praiseworthy choreography that further flourish the name of his crews.

Taeyong loves it too when he’s not flying here and there, when he is contracted to teach the trainees of SM. He’s familiar enough with those eyes; burning with determination yet sometimes dim with trepidation. He can easily tell which one has knack for dancing and which one doesn’t, can distinguish which one who can improve without rigorous training and which one has to sacrifice their sleep for smooth movements.

He’s familiar with their adoring gazes whenever Taeyong shows them one particular move that has stolen breaths of many people before. Of course he’s familiar with the stingy looks they give him when Taeyong criticizes them, blunt like sledge hammer.

He’s familiar with room drenched in sweat, with room drowned in exhausted pants, with eyes like sun; refusing to burn out. Or eyes like candle; quickly melts away with time.

He is not familiar, however, with Jeong Jaehyun. Jeong Jaehyun and his adorable set of dimples; Jeong Jaehyun and his squishy cheeks; Jeong Jaehyun and his  _ aegyo sal _ and the way his face scrunches up whenever he laughs. Jeong Jaehyun and his big bones, and limbs awkwardly long as his puberty hits him. Jeong Jaehyun and his endearing way of covering his face when he is embarrassed.

Jeong Jaehyun and the way he makes Taeyong’s heart beats miles per seconds whenever he does as much as looking his way.

Taeyong wants to fetch the stars on summer sky and put them on the ceiling of Jaehyun’s bedroom. Taeyong wants to stop feeling this way whenever Jaehyun is near. Taeyong wants to buy every single honey butter chips available in whole South Korea. Taeyong wants to stop his gaze from lingering too long on Jaehyun’s neck, watching as droplet of sweat trickle tantalizingly down before pooling between his clavicle bones.

Jaehyun is sweet, like honey, like chocolate white as his creamy skin. Like the treats that’s celebrated on his birthday. He looks at Taeyong with all existing candies in those pair of caramel eyes, smile just as saccharine, and when he calls Taeyong, “Taeyongie-hyung,” Taeyong’s heart does an impressive cartwheel inside.

Jaehyun likes to text him at night, just a simple and innocent;  _ good night, Hyung, see you tomorrow :) _ and greets Taeyong in the morning with;  _ rise and shine, Hyung! Have a good day! _

Taeyong wants to cry because there are twelve years uncrossed between them, and he wants to cry even harder when he thinks of Jaehyun’s stellar future and the lack of theirs together.

Taeyong thinks of twelve years he spent living without Jaehyun even existing. Thinks of how Jaehyun would wait for him before going home, insisting they walk together to the station even if they live the opposite direction. Thinks of the way Jaehyun will call him on one free Sunday morning, “lunch, Hyung?” and they will waste their time together, doing nothing and everything, eating too many junk food and over-priced coffee, and laughing over cat videos before Taeyong sends him home at seven pm sharp.

Taeyong thinks of how Jaehyun would always look at him with eyes that spoke of too many things; all things Taeyong refuses to hear and admit. The smile on his face paints pale blue color of solemnity, but he is handsome -  _ beautiful _ \- still in his mute melancholy, and Taeyong feels his heart chipping inside each time Jaehyun directs that look and smile at him.

Taeyong thinks, of everything; of how right it feels to have Jaehyun’s hands cradling his face; of how right it feels to have Jaehyun’s furnace-like heat enveloping him; of how right it feels to have those lips pressed against his own.

He thinks, too, of how Jaehyun will probably regret this in the future, how he’d be nothing but seafoam-colored fragment of narration in Jaehyun’s memoir. Another dying star in vast, rich-cobalt galaxy.

“I’m sorry, Hyung, Taeyongie-hyung. But, this, I want  _ this _ ; I want  _ you.  _ I  _ need _ -” Jaehyun mumbles, fast, hurried, messy steps of dance too intricate. And Taeyong hates it; hates it when a sequence was missed, hates it when wrong hand was flicked and wrong leg was lifted.

So he silences him with kiss; bruising and brutal like the love that consumes him. Like the hopeless future that will one day come and claim them.

Jaehyun kisses him back, same fervor, same despair. They cling on each other like they’d fall; or maybe they cling on each as they fall. Together. One day they’ll hit the bottom, one day they will crash and break into million pieces of crimson colored shards and scars.

One day, not today. One day when Jaehyun stands on stage and Taeyong fades behind, riding on another plane that will take him to another country.

Taeyong prays, as Jaehyun murmurs again those three words that shouldn’t be exchanged between them with this twelve of years rift separating them, when that  _ one day _ come, Jaehyun won’t file him under the ‘ _ regret _ ’ category.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time for another lovely beta Angelica @ Twitter
> 
> I'm sorry this turned angsty more than anything. The prompt itself has potential to be happier, let's just thinks they continue their relationship after JH's debut.


	3. What kind of coffee do you like?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JH is addicted to coffee,or he's addicted to the cute barista with diamond-cut jaw and sunshine like smile

_ How would you like a cup of coffee? _ __   
_ What are you trying to say _ __   
_ I keep getting nervous _ _   
_ __ Oh, please say something

Caramel Coffee (Talk to Me) - SNSD

:::

Jaehyun is addicted to coffee,or he's addicted to the cute barista with diamond-cut jaw and sunshine like smile, and a pair of deer-like eyes that shine that they are globe of stars.

Jaehyun is addicted to coffee because architecture student needs coffee to properly function like any other human being (or rather; like any other students with 8 projects to finish in span of 5 days consecutively), and it isn’t his fault at all that most of his classes start at 8 AM sharp and if he didn’t want to be late and got his grade deducted, he has to be ready in class, fully awake like he didn’t just pull another all-nighter by at least 7:35.

Jaehyun is addicted to coffee, for a reason that can be justified for another but his health, and despite Ten’s insistence he should stop, he still routinely consumes at least 590 mL of americano, which means around 300 mg caffeine, which means another 4.500 won goes to waste (why, oh,  _ why  _ do they have to mark the price up by 60% compared to its original price??). And he thinks it’s okay even though it means he’s actively participating in torturing his digestive system by awakening those malicious stomach acid from their slumber, and consistently leaving dent in his wallet; because,  _ damn _ , is he addicted.

To coffee. Or to the boy whose name card reads “Taeyong” and always smiles at Jaehyun whenever he shows up in front of cafe 15 minutes prior to official working hours, arranging foods or brewing the coffee as the other baristas flurry around.

Jaehyun is addicted to coffee, or he’s addicted to Taeyong, maybe, most likely. And he doesn’t think he cares that much, really, not when he got to hear Taeyong calling his name every morning.

:::

Taeyong remembers him, of course.

Taeyong remembers he always comes at 6:15 sharp, 15 minutes before the cafe’s official operating hours. Taeyong remembers he always shyly opens the cafe’s door; slow, hesitant push as if he’s not sure whether he should come in or not when the staffs are still getting ready despite how many times Johnny has told him it’s completely fine. Taeyong remembers he’d fiddle with his phone, long fingers moving endlessly with occasional tap and flick here and there. Taeyong remembers he’d check his watch (shiny, black leather Daniel Wellington with black dial and gold hands) when the clock hits 6:27, before starting lineup behind another regular customers; a couple of forties who always order two cups of hot vanilla latte.

Taeyong remembers his order, too;  _ venti _ americano with 2 pumps of sugar and butter croissant, purchase by member’s card (the sleek, black one with their logo emblazoned) instead of cash.

Taeyong remembers his name, too; just like he remembers the way those milky cheeks will bloom in vivacious color of red when Taeyong inquires his name; just like he remembers how he -  _ Jaehyun -  _ will stutter in his affirmation.

Taeyong remembers him; from his golden-colored hair and his dimpled-smile that’s as sweet as the caramel sauce he likes to drizzle over his own favorite drink (caramel frappuccino,  _ grande _ , no whipping cream).

Taeyong remembers Jaehyun, and secretly wishes, as he calls that syrupy-sweet name, that Jaehyun remembers him, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the sweetest kid on the planet, Mbe @ spoilinghoney. Check out her fabulous art!


	4. It’s such a Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun is not allowed to talk, to touch, to even see, and he thought he was ready. He is not.

_That we don't talk anymore,_   
_We don't talk anymore, We don't talk anymore_ _  
_ Like we used to do

We Don’t Talk Anymore - Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez

:::

Jaehyun thought seeing it coming would make it hurt less.

He knew this is bound to happen anyways, has been told by many people before that the _friendship_ that you show in front of camera and behind is going to be different. It’s business. It’s tactic. It’s marketing ploy. It’s a _war_ , and Jaehyun releases another sign. He is already in a war with his raging emotion; the raging need to always be close to his lovely, _lovely_ deer-eyed lover who’s only brave enough to act on that status under the secrecy night pledged to provide.

They were told to interact naturally for their debut days, introduced to the concept of skinship in public. Little did they know that Jaehyun and Taeyong were more than comfortable with public display of affection, it came to them like breathing. When the two young boys decided to take their own step to _consummate_ their relationship, the skinship became _difficult ;_ in a sense than the kind of contact they yearn for is not something they _should_ disclose to public’s eyes, even to their own members.

Jaehyun thought seeing it coming would make it easier.

But maybe he has just been deluding himself, deciding to seal the thought of having to be physically apart from Taeyong - or worse; being physically _close_ yet is not allowed to see nor touch him- away in the darkest, dingiest corner of his mind. Maybe Jaehyun has been never been prepared at all because ignorance and succumbing to fate are two different things.

The manager called them one night, told Jaehyun that he has to, not only stop touching but also stop _talking_ , and when he reached the _stop looking at Taeyong_ part, Jaehyun felt the monster inside him trying to break free from its iron cage.

Except that Taeyong had a hand, gentle at the back of his nape, grounding him. Chains on the neck of ferocious beast. “We understand,” Taeyong said with a tight smile on his face.

Jaehyun swallowed his roar, scrunching up his face and without making any attempt to hide his flaring anger, he spat out, “Yes, _Hyung_.”

Taeyong gently, yet firmly, pat the skin under Jaehyun’s hair. Chiding him wordlessly. Jaehyun was too wrapped up in fiery blaze of fury to care. He was hurt, and if he wanted to show his temper, he, in his childish tantrum, thought that he had all the right to do so.

Yet Jaehyun knew better; this is _work_ , and even if he has always been the one who take lead in their relationship, when when work came between them, Taeyong is the one in charge. He is their leader after all, and if Taeyong wanted Jaehyun to behave, then behave Jaehyun should. The monster retreated back to the corner of his cell, tucking his head down, but still growling with ire. Displeased.

Taeyong rubbing the same spot he had patted didn’t even curb his anger.

Jaehyun had pleaded to Johnny later that night, through gritted teeth and desperate eyes. _Please, let me sleep with Taeyong-hyung tonight_.

Johnny is kind, has always been one and understanding, too. With sympathetic smile, he willingly left their room for the bed that Taeyong has vacated, leaving his own bed remained unoccupied for the rest of the night.

Jaehyun kept Taeyong in his bed. They made love, slow and gentle, and there were tears streaming down Jaehyun’s cheeks; tears of sorrow and frustration. Taeyong kissed them, kissed his eyes, his lips, and every places of Jaehyun that he could kiss. Murmuring soft words of consolation and love.

“It’ll be okay,” Taeyong had said, pressing those words on Jaehyun’s sweaty skin like brand of oath. “It’s not forever, it’s only for this promotional period.”

“But we will be apart,” Jaehyun sobs before kissing Taeyong on the lips, hard. Their bodies under the blanket were naked, and Taeyong is half-lying over Jaehyun, head tucked under his chin with the younger boy’s fingers carding through his short black hair. “I can’t. I don’t want it to be like that.”

“Neither do I,” Taeyong sighs, tracing a circle on Jaehyun’s chest, right on top of where his aching heart is. “But we have to, Jaehyunnie. We can do it. Okay? You can do it for me?”

Taeyong raises his head. His big, obsidian eyes were just as wet as Jaehyun’s, glassy with tears that he had better control over. Pleading. Jaehyun couldn’t say no to those eyes, refusal lodged in his throat as his love for the older boy overcame him. “Okay, Hyung.”

The word of submission slipped out from his lips surprisingly easy. Taeyong smiled, and Jaehyun thought it was enough. As long as he still could wrap his arms around this beautiful boy once the world shy their eyes away, he thought it would be enough for him.

Clearly, Jaehyun was mistaken. Because nothing could prepare him for this.

This pain. This excruciating itch under his skin that couldn’t seem to go away for he couldn’t even scratch the part that prickled the most. _Hell_ , he doesn’t even know where the creeping sensation came from, let alone chasing it away,

He doesn’t think he can do it. He cannot bear seeing Taeyong smiling at everyone but him. He cannot bear seeing Taeyong talking to anyone but him.

He cannot bear being this close to Taeyong but is powerless to do anything; can’t talk, can’t touch, he cannot even _fucking_ look at the boy whose face and every single part of him decorated the wall of his mind.

He cannot do _this_.

And he cannot smile either, cannot laugh. Cannot keep the lovely face that’s been his trademark for his heart is aching so much and Taeyong is this close, yet so far away, and all Jaehyun wants to do is gather his lover into his arms when they’re waiting for the light to turn from red to green.

Taeyong in that black leather jacket. Taeyong wearing _his_ bracelet. Taeyong hiding the red marks that Jaehyun had planted the previous night on the inner side of his thigh.

But he can’t. He is not allowed to. They are not allowed to even find each other’s eyes. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck_ . Jaehyun mentally swears, feeling his lips dropping even more, and _fuck_ , he doesn’t care.

He’s been warned by his manager for not even bothering to keep up an appearance after the White Day Event. “You weren’t even making an effort,” the elder had spat, and Jaehyun, with his head numb with anger and frustration, decided to tune the prattling out. Canceling unnecessary noises and recalled Taeyong’s moan close to his ears whenever they made love.

Of course his lover chided him, too. Taeyong had looked so sad after knowing Jaehyun got admonished by their manager. “I’m worried, Jaehyun, if you keep on acting up, they could make this last longer. You wouldn’t want it, right?”

Jaehyun didn’t want it, of course. But he didn’t want to be separated from Taeyong either, regardless of the period. But on top of that, he didn’t want to see Taeyong sad, didn’t want to disappoint Taeyong further. So he promised himself, promised Taeyong with gentle kiss on his velvet rose of lips, “I’m sorry. I will try tomorrow, I will smile. I will behave.”

He keeps his promise, because it’s the one he made to Taeyong, not to their manager nor their agency. And for Taeyong Jaehyun is willing to do _anything_ , even if it means constantly shredding his heart to pieces in his own volunteer.

The cars pass before them, blurs of white and black with occasional grey. The light is yet to turn its shade, and Taeyong is somewhere to his left, earphones plugged in his ears. They have dressed themselves similarly today, a flimsy connection is a connection nonetheless and they are forced to be content with it. A beggar cannot be a chooser after all.

Jaehyun had worn the bracelet on Taeyong’s wrist today, kissing his pulse point after he tied it securely on Taeyong’s bony wrist. “I love you,” he had murmured and Taeyong smiling down on him is the only solace to his despairing heart.

He has the image imprinted on the back of his head, burnt to his retina, and it’s the one he thinks of when he slightly tilts his head to the right, hand tucked inside his pant’s pocket. The sun is particularly bright today, the weather is good, _too good_ as if they’re mocking him, and Jaehyun narrows his eyes, letting the corner of his lips turned upward in what fans would see as just another of his sweet smile while it’s actually a bitter one.

Jaehyun smiles, because he has promised Taeyong whom he cannot talk to. Jaehyun smiles, because he doesn’t want to upset Taeyong whom he cannot touch. Jaehyun smiles, because he loves Taeyong whom he is not allowed to see.

Jaehyun smiles, the light turns green. Everyone start walking forward, Taeyong slightly ahead, and Jaehyun is not even allowed to watch.

Jaehyun walks with long strides; chasing after, keeping up a pace. Eyes trained forward, not to his left. Unforgiven to look to his left.

Taeyong is on his left, one hand tucked inside his pocket. Jaehyun’s bracelet around his wrist. Beautiful. His. Always beautiful. _His_.

Jaehyun briefly drops his gaze, thinking; _such a shame_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehyun is not ready but I'm ready SM, keep these two apart, I'm still alive because of MAMA's epic "I pat you on your neck because you are such a sweet darling for me, and even if we're apart I know only I am allowed to touch you like this." - Lee Taeyong, I'm ready for jaeyong's draught /imlyingimnot/.
> 
> That aside, I've been wanting to write something with this song and everything lately just clicked, so, I guess; thank you?
> 
> Jaehyun's smile on the end: https://twitter.com/DIMPLE_BOY0214/status/842666781487509505


	5. The hidden flower (is finally blooming)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And as always, whenever it concerns Jaehyun, Taeyong will find himself smiling.

_ I hope we can melt each other and open each other up _ _   
_ _ Our heart to heart that wasn’t visible before _

Spring Love - Wendy & Eric Nam

:::

If Jaehyun is the sun, then Taeyong is the morning glory.

Taeyong curls his petals in so you only see the whites of him, hiding his lush, vibrant color inside. For opening up yourself is scary. For letting the stranger see what you hide inside of you is frightening. For being hurt and betrayed after baring yourself is painful, and Taeyong has been hurt enough for a lifetime. If possible, Taeyong just wants to stay with his petals swiveled close forever so he doesn’t have to experience the sorrow anymore.

But Jaehyun is the sun; endless radiance and brilliance. He tickles Taeyong with his warmth, and his gentle, encouraging words are the golden coaxing of his light.

_ “Open up,” _ he asked, _ “let me see you,” _ he pleaded, “I  _ promise I won’t hurt you,” _ he vowed.

Jaehyun never hurt him, he’s large, encompassing hands and mellifluous, sincere words. Always patiently waiting, open and welcoming.

“It’s between Winwin and Taei- Taeyong-hyung. Taeyong-hyung has two sides of him; soft like baby with lots of  _ aegyo _ , and serious charismatic-” Jaehyun says, and he stumbled in his words in the beginning, he tries to make it up with lots of gesture.

And Taeyong cannot help it, really. Jaehyun is adorable no matter how dependable he has become, and the sincerity in his voice tugs something inside Taeyong’s chest 

And as always, whenever it concerns Jaehyun, Taeyong will find himself smiling. He smiles then; soft, like morning glory unraveling its vibrant petal into full bloom under the morning sun. Beautiful. Ethereal.

Because Taeyong is the flower, and Jaehyun is the sun. And only under Jaehyun’s tender golden hand, Taeyong can bloom, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was based on 20170321 Nigh Night, when Jaehyun spoke about Taeyong's dualistic charm. If you followed me on twitter, you might have read this before.


	6. If One Wish could be Granted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Jaehyun hates 'now', loathes it, and he knows it’s selfish, he knows it’s childish, but he wants 'now' to be over.

_ Had  i never meet you i will never know this lonely night _ _  
_ _ When my tears can never seem to stop _

Anata ni Deawanakereba - Aimer

:::

They said you should treasure  _ now _ .

They said ‘present’ is called  _ present _ because being able to live the very moment itself is a  _ gift _ .

They said  _ now _ is irreplaceable, an instance unrepeatable. Something that will not return no matter how many times you pray, no matter how hard you beg.

They said  _ now _ is the greatest blessing you can have, therefore, you must not let it go to waste.

They said so, and maybe this time, this very minute and second;  _ now _ , is precious for someone else. A moment they want to last forever.

But Jaehyun hates  _ now _ , loathes it, and he knows it’s selfish, he knows it’s childish, but he wants  _ now _ to be over.

Because the frustration that gnaws on the edge of his patience is too much. Because the loss that claws on the edge of his heart is too much.

And his eyes burn, like his stomach (he hasn’t eat anything since he woke up? last night?), and it’s painful, and Jaehyun just wants this very moment to bid him goodbye, so night can settle and sun rises following its wake, welcoming the new day where he can have those pair of obsidian eyes looking straight at him again; so he can have Taeyong back in his arms again.

There might be someone, somewhere in this world who’s enjoying  _ now _ , but that person is not Jaehyun, and he knows it’s selfish, it’s cruel and petty to want someone else’s happiness to end, but what is human if not made from ego and greed?

So, Jaehyun wants it to end - wants  _ now _ to end - because he is not happy, he misses his Hyung, and he cannot deal with being physically far away from him for more than a day, and it’s showing clear as a day on his face, that Johnny actually made some stingy remarks about it.

Jaehyun doesn’t care, though, he pretended he didn’t hear it at all and locked himself in Taeyong and Taeil’s room. He sleeps on Taeyong’s bed, burrowing himself under the blanket that smells like Taeyong, clutching the sheet that he remembers had washed together with Taeyong.

They said you should treasure  _ now  _ because it’s priceless and irreplaceable. Jaehyun though, Jaehyun with his heart tortured with loneliness thinks that  _ now _ is replaceable as any.

“Hurry and come back,” he murmurs to the sheet, inhaling the clean scent that reminds him of twinkling eyes and heart-searing smile of a boy so clumsy he can trip over nothing.

One more night.  _ Now  _ should be over soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20170411 ~ 20170413 when Taeyong left for Japan


	7. You know baby (we feel the same way baby)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is Jaehyun outside the balcony, cloaked by the humid air of Chiang Mai, and arms exposed to the vicious attack of huge tropical mosquitoes.

_ Baby, when I’m with you, I don’t care if we do nothing _ __   
_ So comfortable, I fall over with laughter over nothing _ __   
_ I don’t even know how my days are passing _ _   
_ __ The moment I open my eyes, to when I close them, I’m filled with you

Love is So Nice - Jonghyun

:::

There is Jaehyun outside the balcony, cloaked by the humid air of Chiang Mai, and arms exposed to the vicious attack of huge tropical mosquitoes.

Taeyong frowns, suddenly worrying whether Jaehyun has applied the bug repellent lotion or not. With his fair skin, the red swollen bump left by the stingy bite will easily be visible.

His worry is cut short by another distraction, this time being Jaehyun’s hair. They’re gold, glowing under the night light like citrine-colored gemstone in the dark. He thinks again of how much he loves running his fingers through those soft strands, thinks of how much comfort such simple action gives to him.

And comfort, Taeyong needs it with how much stress he’s feeling lately. They pile on top of each other upon the feeble foundation that is him, although sometimes Taeyong wonders whether he is the base that threatens to cave under pressure, or the one standing precariously on top of that wobbly stack of weights, waiting until the structure gives way to downfall.

Taeyong needs comfort, now more than ever. His head no longer pounds, his stomach doesn’t clench painfully every now and then either. The fatigue is there, still, but he no longer needs the drip, nor extra sugar package to make him able to function and carry out his duty.

Still, looming over them is another long seven hours flight, lack of proper bead to soothe their weary limbs, and another flight to Japan. The thought is merciless chain that drags him down and pricks his heart, the sudden exasperation that washes him off shore pushes him to move forward, to approach Jaehyun whom he know can liberate him from all these crippling worries.

“Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong calls out, one step forward. A halt, and a catch of breath.

The wind whispers, the rustle of leaves, the hushed giggles of people whom Taeyong know are there watching -  _ always _ there watching. Sometimes it freaks him out, sometimes it calms him to know there are people who’s keeping their eyes on him so Taeyong will always be aware of his action and doing. (He used to be invisible. He was a mess. He still thinks he is a mistake. And he can’t  _ fuck up _ . Not anymore.)

Jaehyun tilts his head toward him, just slightly. The light from inside the cottage and the dark of the night cast unique shadow on his face, they dance, accentuating the plane of his nose and the strongness of his jaw.

“Yes, hyung?”

And there is smile, soft like his touch, and it alone has already shed one layer of anxiety off from Taeyong’s shoulder. Taeyong feels himself smiling too. He takes another step forward and doesn’t really know whether it is Jaehyun who finds him or he who finds Jaehyun, and maybe it doesn’t really matter because in the end, they meet in the middle - find each other like Vega and Altair reunite, and that’s the most important thing for now.

“Is there anything you need?” Jaehyun asks, cocking his head to the side.

_ You, you, you _ . Taeyong thinks, and maybe when there’s no one watching and protected by four walls, he will crash into his arms, and begs Jaehyun to kiss him until they forget everything and nothing, even themselves.

But there are eyes, there are the tall trees and moon peering down on them from her gilded throne. Taeyong can’t crash into his arms, can’t make Jaehyun kiss him like there is no today nor tomorrow. 

Yet, there is Jaehyun still and just like this, standing close and pouring his attention on him, has already given him comfort. Taeyong consoles his heart, tells it that  _ this _ ; this thing as simple as being in close proximity with the person who holds a half of his heart should be enough for now.

“Hyung?” there’s clouded blue tinge of worry in his voice at Taeyong’s lack of response. The raven immediately shakes his head, a reassurance, and answer on his own. He steps back, keeping a distance before looking straight and Jaehyun’s eyes of dark caramel. Their eyes always do the talking better than their lips could ever do anyways.

“I’m fine,” Taeyong says softly while inclining his head to the side. A silent signal, a code;  _ there are people watching, so; no. No touching. No holding my hand. No hugging, no- _

Jaehyhun understands, judging from the sudden downturn of his lips and the frown that’s visible even from beneath his long fringes. Taeyong sees he retracts his hand too, his heart flutters at the thought that Jaehyun had wanted to touch him, pretty much what Taeyong needs right now.

“Have you finished packing?” Taeyong closes the distance between them, not quite but close enough that he can smell Jaehyun’s signature scent of summer beach, feels refreshing in this humid air of Chiang Mai.

Jaehyun’s eyes trail his movement, dropping to his lips before quickly flicking back to his eyes. Taeyong swallows. “Mm-hmm. Gotta do it first before Doyoung-hyung and Ten-hyung come and make me unable to do it at all. You know them.”

Taeyong giggles, picturing his two dongsaengs spending more time gossiping than doing actual packing. “Oh, yeah, I do. That’s good for you, then, we can relax for a while before the flight.”

“True,” Jaehyun says, fond smile slipping back to his face for a split second before the worried frown return to his face. “You, your stomach, it’s okay? What about your headache?”

If they weren’t outside, Jaehyun will probably gather Taeyong into his arms, pressed flower-petal tender kiss to his temple, and rubbed his stomach. Thinking about it makes Taeyong longs to go inside, seeking refuge from the privacy of their room, but with the packing debacle and flurry of staffs around, he’s not sure he can get any either. “It’s better than yesterday. Though, yeah, thinking about our schedule tomorrow...maybe I’m not really fine?”

Jaehyun sighs but gives him reassuring smile nonetheless. “It’ll be okay, Hyung. Just a little more and we can have some rest. The promotional period is almost over. Okay?” Taeyong nods, marveling at how simple words can chase another layer of weariness away. “Anyways, I’m glad that you are feeling better. You’ve been holding it so well. It must be tiring.”

“Yeah, and you had to pull that prank with Johnny,” Taeyong snarls, mocking hurt.

Jaehyun laughs, tinkling bell in bright, summer day. The wind blows, and it must be the one that raises goosebumps on Taeyong’s flesh.  _ Really,  _ who is he kidding. “Sorry. I kind of, well, didn’t expect you’d fall for it as well? But I did, maybe. Thanks to you it felt so real.”

“How cruel. I really thought Doyoung was sick, and you, too. Have you no consideration at all, I was really sick at the time, you know?” Taeyong continues pretending hurt, even goes as far as looking away from Jaehyun.

“I’m sorry, Taeyongie-hyung,” Jaehyun begs with the cutest voice possible. “I will make it up to you, okay? Please forgive me.”

“ _ Aish _ , this big baby,” Taeyong groans, refusing to meet Jaehyun’s face at all. Jaehyun laughs again beside him, nudging his side in exchange of a hug they both know he couldn’t give for now.

“I love you so much, Hyung,” Jaehyun says and if other people heard, they won’t pay much attention to it because with their conversation, it sounds more like a joke than actual confession.

It is, though, actual confession. Fact that holds as much truth as it holds sincerity in it. This time, Taeyong eventually looks at him, cheeks glowing bashful pink and lips jutting out in a pout. “You better make it up to me.”

“Oh, I will,” Jaehyun says, bumping their sides again. His skin meets the fabric of Taeyong’s sweater but even through the layer of clothing, his heat still  conveyed. “And you will  _ love _ it, I swear.”

Taeyong raises his brows, narrowing his eyes, while Jaehyun’s grin turns into a smirk, eyes dropping to Taeyong’s lips again, then back to his obsidian of eyes. When he speaks, his voice is a pitch lower, and it sends delicious shiver down Taeyong’s spine. “Should I look forward to it?”

Another caress of wind, another verse of leaves’ concerto. Another surge of affection in his heart upon realizing all of his previous worry and weariness has been dismantled completely from him. Just with Jaehyun being there, just with Jaehyun talking and standing close to him.

The younger boy’s gaze softens though the smirk is still there, and when he speaks again, Taeyong really wish he has enough courage to expose the actual nature of their relationship to the watching eyes. He has none, though, and it’s okay because if such courage only brings doom to them, he’d rather be coward forever.

“You should,” Jaehyun answers softly, eyes never leaving Taeyong. Heart never leaving him either 

“I will then,” Taeyong says, contended. He tears his gaze away from Jaehyun eventually, casting them over the expanse of dark greens and browns with occasional flicker of silver and gold from the night time cityscape.

There was Jaehyun outside the balcony, cloaked by the humid air of Chiang Mai, and arms exposed to the vicious attack of huge tropical mosquitoes. There is Taeyong too, weary to the bones and skin protected by the heavy fabric of his sweater.

And now there are the two of them, side by side, together. Always close and never quite detached for they are connected; connected by something stronger, something that cannot be easily severed by petty fight or childish jealousy.

And according to Jaehyun, when they shared the first kiss in the dark of training room some years ago, they must be connected by this force that is as strong as what binds the world together; by  _ fate _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke up this morning with stomach ache and exploding notifications on twitter. Family gathering can't stop me from writing jaeyong in between! This was literally written between driving and socializing, so please forgive me if this feels rushed.
> 
> Apologize for any mistakes, timeline or place inaccuracy. Events mentioned; last night in Chiang Mai before their departure to Korea.


	8. Nothing can stop me (from loving you, you, you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And sometimes Taeyong will come back, eyes red and swollen from tears. And sometimes Jaehyun was there, waiting for him with equally red eyes though not swollen and more from lack of sleep than tears.

_ Even if my body breaks,even if my heart is torn _ _   
_ _ The promise to protect you, that promise will eternally be the same thing _

Y.O.U - SHINee

:::

And sometimes Taeyong will come back, eyes red and swollen from tears. And sometimes Jaehyun was there, waiting for him with equally red eyes though not swollen and more from lack of sleep than tears. 

And sometimes Taeyong will ignore him, telling him it’s alright and pushing him away, not with his body, nor with his words, but with his eyes; eyes that begs Jaehyun to  _ believe him _ and he can get through another day even though the world is already turning his back on him.

And sometimes Jaehyun lets him, because he believes in Taeyong, and the strength his little body carries. And sometimes he’d give his Hyung a nod, mute reassurance of trust, and that everything will be alright when the sun greets them tomorrow after it chased away all ghost of fear and trepidation that lurk around their heart.

And sometimes Jaehyun doesn’t let him, holds those frail hands and pulls the equally frail body to his embrace, wrapping his arms around Taeyong who’d always try to resist at first until Jaehyun calls his name; soft, like the whisper of moon that spills from between the crack of curtain.

“Taeyong-hyung.”

And Taeyong will cry, eventually crumble like castle of sand as he leans his weight on Jaehyun and clings on the younger boy like his life depends on him. For that single moment, both of them knew that it is true; that Taeyong’s life depends on Jaehyun, that Jaehyun is his lifeline, and Taeyong is strong but even the strongest of empire can fall.

Taeyong fall, then, lets go of everything but one; Jaehyun, his lifeline, the only one who’s willing to wait for him after all light retreats and only shadow is left as his companion with its haunting uneasiness.

And sometimes Taeyong cries himself to sleep, giving himself completely for Jaehyun to fix and mend. To be patched up by Jaehyun’s clumsy yet determined fingers, because Jaehyun is still young, and Taeyong will always be older; will always be much more mature and knowing than Jaehyun who’d murmur his apology, his regret; of not being strong enough, of not being dependable enough.

And sometimes Taeyong will still be awake when he’s done crying, engraving the apology that Jaehyun doesn’t need to the skin of his neck. He’d let Jaehyun tend him, rubbing soothing circle on his back and repeating words of consolation; “ _ I will be here, always, whenever you need me and even when you don’t. I’m here. Always.” _

And sometimes Taeyong will deny, sometimes he’d accept. Sometimes he’d tell the younger boy that he doesn’t worth it, sometimes he’d rediscover himself. Sometimes he’d beg Jaehyun to stay, sometimes he’d plead Jaehyun to leave.

And sometimes Taeyong will run to him, throws away all his shield and armor and reveal himself bare; all rotten and scabbed from wounds that’s been left too long untreated, for Jaehyun to see and heal.

And sometimes he’d cry in silence, sometimes he’d cry Jaehyun’s name until he cannot breathe anymore and Jaehyun has to calm him down with his gentle fingers and voice equally soft like lullaby.

And sometimes he’d find no peace at all no matter how hard and long he cried, but Jaehyun is there, still and has always been, and  _ will always be _ , and Taeyong thinks it’s enough. Even if tomorrow comes just to bring Taeyong back to his knee, Jaehyun will always be there. Still. Waiting and welcoming with his eyes understanding and eyes accepting.

And sometimes, sometimes,  _ sometimes _ there’d be so many different outcomes yet some things would stay the same; like it’d always be Jaehyun who waits until Taeyong until he comes home, even when they had changed dorm and rooms multiple times.

All the time, it’s Jaehyun who sits on the sofa, or nursing a cup of steaming hot milk in the kitchen, staring into space while listening to whatever song he’s addicted to at the time.

All the time, it’s Jaehyun who says, “welcome home, Taeyong-hyung,” with a smile that reminds Taeyong of sunshine in the bleak winter; a shy susurration of heat in piercing coldness.

All the time, it’s Jaehyun who gathers Taeyong into his arms, offering him all the comfort his young, immature self could offer, and maybe,  _ maybe _ it’s not the right kind of comfort that Taeyong needs, but when he’s all tired and weary, and is done with life in general with the many hateful words and curses he had received, when he felt like his existence does not carry any value at all and giving up seemed to be the better option, Taeyong will gladly accept it.

All the time; it’s Jaehyun. It’s always Jaehyun who kisses his fingers because he wants everything that Taeyong touch will turn into gold.

All the time; it’s Jaehyun. It’s always Jaehyun who kisses the soft shell of his ears because he wants Taeyong to hear of nothing but words that mean well and encouragement.

All the time; it’s Jaehyun. It’s always Jaehyun who kisses his forehead because he wants everything that Taeyong thinks will bring nothing but everlasting peace to his clamoring heart.

All the time; it’s Jaehyun. It’s always Jaehyun who kisses his eyelids because he wants Taeyong to see only the good things in the world.

All the time; it’s Jaehyun. It’s always Jaehyun who kisses his lips because he wants everything that ever leave Taeyong’s lips will make people see who he really is.

And maybe he kisses his fingers because he wants to hold hands with him forever, maybe he kisses his ears so Taeyong can hear his voice, maybe he kisses his forehead because he wants Taeyong to think of him, maybe he kisses his eyes because so Taeyong can look at him, maybe he kisses his lips because he wants Taeyong to smile at him forever.

And, maybe it’s all his selfishness, his childish egoism, but whatever it is, Jaehyun loves Taeyong still and Taeyong loves him too. And sometimes you do not need a reason; sometimes, all you need is be and do, nothing more and nothing less.

And sometimes, maybe it’s not enough. But all the time, all the time they’re together, they certainly feel it’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha I'm not supposed to update anything until 8th but I can't help it (which means next jaeyong fanfic will be on 19~21th instead of 8th but eeeehhhh who knows). I should be finishing my fansite AU but I wrote this instead, I did ask for inspiration but for fansite AU, not this lmao. This was written really quickly so there might be errors here and there, please overlook that.


	9. So Give Me (Everything from You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyeojong though, Hyeojong must be a good girl with good heart, made of sugar and spices and all things sweet and golden, while Taeyong is made from the opposite; scab and scars and all things ugly and dull.

_I want it all;_ _  
_ _you whom I didn’t know and the time you spent without me_

Maybe – Nishino Kana

:::

It is petty, not to mention incredibly childish; this grey cloud that’s been rumbling and raining continuously in his heart since last night. It’s the same cold, frosty rain that’s been dragging the corner of his lips down, leaving him with heart iron-heavy and mood in dismal.

He’s been down in the dumps for twenty four hours and a little bit more now, and Taeyong finds himself once again over-exerting his body by hogging the practice room in pretense of perfecting his dance. Their comeback is drawing near, and the foreigner instructor has learned about Taeyong’s tendency overwork himself nearing their promotional period.

Even the other members are used to it by now. Nobody thought it’s weird when Taeyong said he’ll do the lockdown and the others can leaver earlier. Nobody raised a question, maybe some thoughtful, “don’t forget to eat something” and “stay hydrated” from his friends, but they left without fuss. Nobody notice anything strange about him since Taeyong is actually quiet by default, his _silence_ is not something foreign to them.

Jaehyun though, Jaehyun noticed. Jaehyun realized because he can tell apart between Taeyong’s many silences; which one is simply because he doesn’t feel like talking, which one is from the fatigue, or which one is caused by _something_ else entirely.

This time, it’s the later, and Jaehyun had asked about it after lunch when Taeyong had taken over the dishes to distract himself and Jaehyun offered to help, intention proudly bared and open.

Taeyong immediately answered after Jaehyun matter-of-factly asked him if it was because of the night prior, when Jaehyun’s _hoobae_ indirectly confessed to him in nationally broadcasted radio program. Taeyong nodded, refusing to look at Jaehyun’s face, not because he feared to know what kind of expression Jaehyun will wear but rather because he already know how Jaehyun would react and he _fears_ having to look at it.

He laid it out then, told Jaehyun how he should be proud of Jaehyun instead because Jaehyun is left in someone’s memory for his good deeds, unlike Taeyong whose name is carved in history with sin that he did not fully commit, yet he has to bear the consequences for.

“It’s just…I knew _you_ but I didn’t knew _you_ ,” Taeyong murmurs, lathering the plates methodically. “Hyeojong-ssi knew about _you_ , but that’s…the _you_ whom I didn’t know, it makes me feel sad, I guess” he finishes with self-depreciating laugh, because this is petty and this is childish and Taeyong is older than twenty already to let himself be bothered by this kind of thing. “It makes me think that...I don’t know, like I don’t deserve you?”

“I don’t understand you sometimes,” Jaehyun said darkly with a huff before washing his hand and walked away, leaving Taeyong alone with nothing but whisper of his ghost in his head. It’s okay, he thought it worths it.

Hours later, Johnny and Jaehyun had to left earlier for radio schedule and Jaehyun hadn’t try to make any conversation with him at all. To be ignored like that hurts, but Taeyong supposes he deserves this for all he’s inadequate. His past is unforgivable. His academic background is nothing stellar. His family doesn’t have any special connection.

This rolling cloud inside of him was born from the feeling of inadequacy that is still breathing down his neck, reminding him from time to time that maybe he’s not qualified to have a half of Jaehyun’s heart. Maybe, there’s someone out there – someone with cleaner past and better future and heart still whole unbroken – who’s more deserving of Jaehyun’s love.

Last night, Jaehyun was angry, that much Taeyong knew. Jaehyun hates it when Taeyong is suddenly rolled over by ball of inferiority and insecurity. “Why can’t you see what I see in you?” he had always ask him, frustration bleeding from his voice.

Taeyong doesn’t know. Maybe because human are blind most of the times, or the blindfold of fear around his eyes are still tightened fastly that he cannot see anything but what they choose to show him; of the monster that lurks in his heart and reminds him what a failure he is. That same monster with empty dark eyes and foul breath that keeps narrating how perfect Jaehyun is and how someone like him only deserve the best of the best, not someone like Taeyong who walks with a scar gaping open, leaving trail of dirty blood and yellowy puss in his wake.

Hyeojong though, Hyeojong must be a good girl with good heart, made of sugar and spices and all things sweet and golden, while Taeyong is made from the opposite; scab and scars and all things ugly and dull.

Hyeojong knew Jaehyun in middle school, Jaehyun whom Taeyong didn’t know. Jaehyun who shared PE class with his juniors and were adored from afar with shy whispers and effeminate giggles.

Hyeojong knew more about Jaehyun than Taeyong did, and really, it can be anyone else not Hyeojong and Taeyong would still feel the same uneasiness.

He wants to be the one who knows about Jaehyun the most, just like the way Jaehyun knew about Taeyong more than anybody else ever does (because Jaehyun is the only person he allowed to see, and Taeyong is too scared to trust too many people). And it’s less because he wants Jaehyun all for himself but more because unless he knows about Jaehyun thoroughly, he cannot help and support the younger boy.

It’s not quite jealousy, it’s something that Taeyong still cannot put a name on other than fear; of being not good enough for the person who had lit all the dead candles in Taeyong’s heart. If he wasn’t, then he’d better let go, entrusting Jaehyun to someone else who can love him as much as – if not more  than -  Taeyong does. It makes him want _less_ of Jaehyun even though his heart is screaming in agony without the younger boy by his side.

The music stops, Taeyong’s body followed suit as if anchored by the rhytmical beat. Wiping the sweat on his face using his t-shirt, Taeyong pants and stares forward at where his reflection is supposed to look back at him. In the dark of the room he barely makes the contour of his body, only the gleam of his onyx eyes reflecting the little light left in the room.

His joints are burning, they’re one of many reasons that stop Taeyong from continuing his practice. The other reason being it’s somewhere past 23 already. Taeyong picks up his phone then plops down on the floor, sweaty fingers gliding over the screen to find the radio app. He plugs his earphones, listening to the pair of familiar voices drifting from the speaker.

Taeyong leans his back on the mirror, sitting up right, but it isn’t long until fatigue catches up to him and he slides down until he’s lying down on his sides.

He isn’t really listening to the conversation, brain muddled with lethargy and blues. He listens tho to Jaehyun’s voice, making notes to each up and down of that melodic tone, catching the slight accent when he’s made to speak some foreign words, picking up the golden-hued joy in them when he laughs.

Taeyong isn’t really paying attention to their topic until Jaehyun starts saying something about Han River, and trainee days, and then it’s his name spilling from Jaehyun’s mouth, carried by that rich timbre with vibrant color of rainbow.

Jaehyun narrates the story, of their younger selves and Han River, walking side by side then stumbled upon a woman with voice of spring’s vivacity; beautiful lush and tenderly lively.

“Taeyong-hyung and I like it very much,” Jaehyun says, excitement radiant in his voice. Taeyong feels his heart trembles, recalling the exact day when it happened; when they were holding plastic bags full with cold drinks and artificially-sweetened drinks, side by side and shoulders bumping. Giggling, laughing, and stopping at their tracks with excited, _“Look Jaehyunnie! Someone is busking!”_

And Taeyong remembers it was him who pointed at the woman with guitar, woman who sang her heart out illuminated by the dim yellow lights and was illuminating everyone around her in return. Jaehyun had stopped beside him, he was shorter than Taeyong at the time, still baby-faced and was treated as one by his peers.

How old were they? Taeyong cannot exactly remember, not when his brain suddenly suggested an idea - a rather _foolishly hopeful_ idea that doesn’t make any sense at all.

 _But it could be true,_ his heart supplies what his mind conjured. Jaehyun rarely talk about about his member at all since starting the radio, maybe once or twice, and when one of them guested, but other than that, nothing much.

 _Don’t be stupid. How pathetic_ , his rationale speaks this time. But hope already roots itself in Taeyong’s mind and his poor, anxious heart yearns for consolation. Be it an empty, vague hope, he just needs to cling on something to survive for now.

Could it be, Taeyong wonders, already tuning out the rest of conversation between Johnny and Jaehyun, that Jaehyun spoke about this because of what happened yesterday? Taeyong did tell him about his worry, about his feeling of inadequacy for not belonging in some part of Jaehyun’s past.

Could this be Jaehyun’s way of telling him that it isn’t true? Could this be Jaehyun’s way of ensuring him that Taeyong too, belongs in his past and knows a part of Jaehyun that nobody else know?

 _it’s stupid_ , his rationale speaks once again. It’s incredibly childish, too, like his pettiness, like the insecurity that swallowed him. Like him. Like everything, and like Jaehyun. Children. So naive, so foolish and vain.

Did Jaehyun really talk about this, about their past, because of what Taeyong told him this afternoon? And did he really think that by talking about it he can alleviate the sorrow in Taeyong’s heart? Is it even true or it’s just the product of Taeyong’s delusional mind?

 _It’s your delusional mind_ , the same belittling voice jeers at him. But Taeyong is too tired already of being attacked by his equally illogical fear, he’d rather cling on empty delusion and be brave than break under the pressure as a coward.

He can confirm the truth behind Jaehyun’s motive later when they have returned from their respective schedules. Which reminds him he probably should get his things ready and leave for their dorm so he can arrive before Jaehyun crashes to bed.

He needs the confirmation, now, as soon as possible, while his heart is still soaring albeit low, and before it falls down under when Taeyong wouldn’t even let Jaehyun pick him up anymore.

Taeyong hates it too when he’s being like this; this weak, this childish, this petty, and foolish, and clingy. He seeks for someone to pamper him, to indulge and stroke his ego, to care for him and shower him with praises, love unending and infinite.

Nobody does it better than Jaehyun who knows him more than anyone else. In the same fashion, Taeyong wants to be the one who supports and knows Jaehyun the most too, hence his woes today.

Taeyong tidies up as fast as his dead limbs can afford to, cursing when his sweaty fingers somehow managed to tangle his earphone cord in haphazard mess. He ends up cramming it to his backpack without sorting it out and his OCD shrieks at him in horror, but as he zips his bag, he begs for his habit to spare him just this once.

He needs to be home, right now. Soon. Before Jaehyun comes and bed beckons him to land of slumber. Taeyong needs to be there when he arrives, sleep musing his eyes and exhaustion rolling off from his milky skin.

Locking the door, Taeyong thinks of what he’d do when Jaehyun finds him; should he throw himself to Jaehyun’s inviting heat right away or should he welcome him first with smile and “welcome home, Jaehyunnie!” before closing their distance?

He pockets the key then jogs toward the elevator, already excited as he draws the many scenarios, all of them involved him pecking Jaehyun on the lips with a shy smile and eyes that sparkle with happiness.

Taeyong still doesn’t know how to do it, but he knows what he’d say; _thank you, thank you. I love you. Thank you for reminding me,_

that I’m a part of your past, in one way a and so many another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on ENNANA 20170502 / ENNNANA 20170503, and how JH basically kept mentioning TY for 2 days straight. Btw, did you survive the fansites attack last night? I did. It was amazing.


	10. but We Know this (we got a love that is homeless)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “God, I love him,” Jaehyun cries, eventually, shoulder shaking as he feels his heart breaking. Because today, too, he couldn’t find his answer. Because today, too, he is left again in the dark.

_ Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftop _ __   
_ I wish that it could be like that, why can't we be like that? _ _   
_ __ 'Cause I'm yours

Secret Love Song - Little Mix ft Jason Derulo

:::

There is pain in his guts, twisting his heart into haphazard tangle of black and red. Unwind. Ugly mess on dirty, ashes covered floor. Like his heart, trampled over by pain of heartbreak and love unprofessed.

He wants to request an audience with God, personal, and asks him;  _ why, Oh why _ , there must be pain that lodged this deep in place that he cannot touch? He wants to beg God to at least make this pain physical, so he can touch it, can locate it and apply salve and balm until the wound that gapes open can dry and heal. Because like this, this intangible and bodiless, he doesn’t even know where exactly he bleeds, and there is nothing he can do, just lie in the pool of his own blood with scar that keeps on leaking.

Jaehyun cannot breathe sometimes, the misery a tight rope around his neck. Or maybe it’s the cry that he always chokes back, or maybe it’s the word he always shoves back. Or maybe,  _ maybe _ it’s combination of all that and so much more. At one point he stops trying to understand, stop trying to decipher. Stop looking for the answer on his own and turns to other people.

There had been many people like him – like  _ them _ , and Jaehyun pours his heart out, trusting that these people would keep their oath of silence for they had also experienced the same malady he’s facing. Some of them even still living the same agony.

They’re older than him and they all looked at him with similar expression; blue-hued familiarity, ash-coloured sympathy, dyeing their faces, accentuated by time, with monochromatic melancholy.

And their smiles are setting sun; orange paint seeping into pallid blue, tender susurration of incoming cobalt. Night comes, dark, black, but not bleak, never bleak for there are still stars in the sky, and as faint as their blinks against the city light, they’re still there, ever so present. Like hope. Like wordless encouragement.

Some of them managed to solve the puzzle, some of them did not. Some of the fell apart in the middle;  _ most _ of them did. Only a fraction of them managed to make the relationship work, but even then, they openly stated that the bond they are maintaining is not really a status they can put a label on.

Not a lover. Not a boyfriend. A partner,  _ yes _ , but the term encompasses too large of category. Certainly not exclusive. Open possibilities for another person to come in and seal a brand of privilege.

Each of them gave different answers. Each of them told Jaehyun they’re not holding the answer that Jaehyun is looking for. But where is supposed to look for one if it wasn’t from these people who have endured the exact same misery that Jaehyun is going through now? Where is he supposed to look if he had nobody else to turn to except these people who had cried at night for a scar they couldn’t treat?

Jaehyun wants to wrench the answer out from their throats. Jaehyun wants to rip their red hearts out from the ivory casket of their ribs, and demand them to answer him; this question that always crowded at the base of his larynx and he wakes up to every morning.

They know this; this pain so visceral that grows from the root of their heart like cancer. The brushes of skin on skin under the protective blanket of night, when drape of secrecy is spilled by the hand of Nyx herself, when Diana watches over them while smiling serenely silver.

When words of love are exchanged in between tears that stream, glimmering like milky way. When empty promises of forever are sealed with the meeting of their lips.

When they clung on each other, wishing for night everlasting, and morning not arriving.

Jaehyun knows his  _ sunbaes _ understand this anguish, more so than anyone. Jaehyun knows they can relate with him from the way their smile wobble at the edge, Jaehyun knows they can empathised with him from the way their eyes grow glassy with tears, Jaehyun knows they have lived the same torture of love with nowhere to go from the distant look they cast over Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“But we don’t know the answer that you’re looking for, Jaehyun-ah, we don’t have it,” one of them had said, voice laced deep with regret and sympathy. With helplessness. Jaehyun wonders, as he holds back his frustrated sigh, if they had done the same thing he’s doing now; seeking consultation from their seniors only to get nothing but heart that is even more broken, unmended.

“Why? Why can’t-“

“Because it’s your relationship with him, it’s all about you and him. What do you want? What do the two of you want yourselves to be?’

Jaehyun swallows back another sob, biting his bottom lips. He takes shuddering breath, trying to compose himself. Single tear slips out from his eyes, he presses the heel of his palm to his eyes, eventually groaning in frustration. His senior is probably looking at Jaehyun and seeing the younger version of himself, tormented by the same grief.

“Do you want to be with him? Or do you want him to be happy? Because depending on that, too, your answer might differ.”

It’s true, Jaehyun supposes. He wants to be with Taeyong, forever, until the last of their dying breath, together. God knows he does, Jaehyun prays every night for it to happen, more fervently than his other wishes.

But he also knows being together with Taeyong might be the cause for another sadness. Even if God is forgiving, people are not. People will judge, people will talk, people will reject, people will hate, and then they’d crumble, and then Jaehyun would have to see Taeyong bleeding again from the scar that never quite healed.

Does he want that?

No, he doesn’t. He wants Taeyong to be happy, more than anyone and anything else in the world. He wants Taeyong to smile, like pain and sorrow, and wound from far away past never existed in the first place. Like spring eternal; crisp April air and brilliant blue sky. Golden sun in the sky and fragrant lushes of blooms.

He cannot bear to see Taeyong sad; no more of those crushed pearl of tears spilling from his beautiful, beautiful eyes. No more of that cry that lacerates Jaehyun’s heart. No more of that empty shell of a boy that makes Jaehyun feels life worth living, of the boy that makes Jaehyun wants to be bigger, stronger, better.

“I love him,” Jaehyun says. A truth. So easy and simple, yet difficult and complicated. “I love him and I want him to be happy, I want to be with him, but-“

But they can’t, can they? They can’t because of so many things that Jaehyun understands but refuses to accept. They can’t because of the watchful eyes and commanding hands. They can’t because it’s not only their future that they’re risking, but the future of their brother in arms as well.

They can’t, but Jaehyun desperately wishes they  _ can _ . Jaehyun wishes one day they world will be willing to avert their eyes away so he and Taeyong can have their moment together, out there in the open under the abundant shower of brilliant daylight.

“I know you do,” his senior says, melodious rhapsody of understanding. “I’m sure he does it; loves you too.”

Taeyong does, Taeyong loves him, has said it so many times on Jaehyun’s naked skin, has promised of feelings unchanging on Jaehyun’s swollen lips.

And Jaehyun has told him, “I love you; like a lullaby, like a love song, like melody that doesn’t stop when night comes clamouring in.” And Taeyong has smiled, bashful, then he seizes Jaehyun’s hands that had hold his own so many times before. He laced them together, tight, like the invisible string of fate that binds them. Like the love that strangles their necks with sweetly agonizing misery.

Taeyong draws him in, inhaling his scent of faraway summer beach, then he told Jaehyun, “I too, do love you. Like stars; for thousands of year abright. Like moon; for millions of year silver rising tide. Like sun; brilliance everlast.”

And they had kissed, commemorated those words with the dance of their lips, affirming, drinking each other in.

“God, I love him,” Jaehyun cries, eventually, shoulder shaking as he feels his heart breaking. Because today, too, he couldn’t find his answer. Because today, too, he is left again in the dark.

Because today, too, he still doesn’t know how to make him and Lee Taeyong last, forever. Like space. Like time. And when he feels the gentle squeeze of his senior’s hand on his shoulder, he hopes that this untreatable ache in his heart won’t be the one that win the race for eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I once again established the fact that as much as I love fluffy jaeyong, this kind of jaeyong is still what I write best.
> 
> unbeta-ed


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